I’ll miss you for the rest of my life

I’ll miss you for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I don’t think people understand how long that is.

The rest of my life.

However many years I have left, I have to live every single one of them without you.

I’ll get older, and you won’t.

There will be pictures of me at ages you never get to see. There will be people who become important to me that you will never know.

There will be whole parts of me that come after you.

And that is so hard for me to accept.

Because our time together is finished.

There are no more years being added to it. No new stories between us. No new pictures of us. No chance to know each other five years from now, or ten, or twenty.

Everything we had has already happened.

But my life keeps going.

Every birthday I have puts more time between the last time you were here and where I am now.

And one day, I may realize I have lived more of my life without you than I ever got to live with you.

I don’t know what to do with that.

Because I never wanted you to become someone from an earlier part of my life.

I wanted you in all of it.

And all of it was supposed to be so much longer.

Written by: Aimee Suyko - In Their Footsteps

If these words connected with you, you’ll find many more like them in What Remains. It’s a collection of the writings I’ve shared over the years, bringing together reflections on grief, love, loss, and the connections that continue long after someone is gone.

I hope it brings you comfort, understanding, and the reminder that you're not alone.

What Remains is Now Available on Amazon

Desiderata

This is the original text from the book where Desiderata was first published.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

by Max Ehrmann ©1927

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings

"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves."

 - John Muir

Brain Cancer

One year ago today, Jeni shared her brain cancer diagnosis on Facebook. Looking back, I really feel this was the point where her health and quality of life truly took a turn. After three and a half years of chemo treatments and procedures, being hit with this felt unimaginable.

Yet, when she posted it, she was just so matter-of-fact about everything.

I remember sitting in the hospital ER for nine long hours that night—waiting, hoping, and dreading the news I felt deep down was coming. She had been dealing with severe headaches that no over-the-counter medicine could touch. We had been to the ER so many times before, and it was always the same agonizing wait: praying for good news, terrified of the bad.

Shortly after, she had surgery on Monday morning to remove the largest tumor threatening her life, followed by rounds of radiation treatments.

Jeni, your strength through all that you went through never ceased to amaze me. Thank you to everyone who has stood by us, prayed for us, and supported us.

I love you and still miss you every day.  ❤️

When Someone Takes Their Own Life

When Someone Takes Their Own Life
by Norman Vincent Peale

In many ways, this seems the most tragic form of death. Certainly it can entail more shock and grief for those who are left behind than any other. And often the stigma of suicide is what rests most heavily on those left behind. My heart goes out to those who are left behind, because I know that they suffer terribly.

Children in particular are left under a cloud of differentness all the more terrifying because it can never be fully explained or lifted.

The immediate family of the victim is left wide open to tidal waves of guilt: “What did I fail to do that I should have done? What did I do that was wrong?”

To such grieving persons I can only say, “Lift up your heads and your hearts. Surely you did your best. And surely the loved one who is gone did his best, for as long as he could. Remember, now, that his battles and torments are over. Do not judge him, and do not presume to fathom the mind of God where this one of His children is concerned.”

A few years ago, when a young man died by his own hand, a service for him was conducted by his pastor, the Rev. Weston Stevens. What he said that day expresses far more eloquently than I can, the message that I’m trying to convey. Here are some of his words:

“Our friend died on his own battlefield. He was killed in action fighting a civil war. He fought against adversaries that were as real to him as his casket is real to us.

They were powerful adversaries. They took toll of his energies and endurance. They exhausted the last vestiges of his courage and his strength.

At last these adversaries overwhelmed him. And it appeared that he had lost the war.

But did he? I see a host of victories that he has won.

For one thing, he has won our admiration, because even if he lost the war, we give him credit for his bravery on the battlefield. And we give him credit for the courage and pride and hope that he used as his weapons as long as he could.

We shall remember not his death, but his daily victories gained through his kindnesses and thoughtfulness, through his love for family and friends, for animals and books and music, for all things beautiful, lovely and honorable.

We shall remember not his last day of defeat, but we shall remember the many days that he was victorious over overwhelming odds.

We shall remember not the years we thought he had left, but the intensity with which he lived the years that he had.

Only God knows what this child of His suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul. But our consolation is that God does know, and understands.”

John T. Maltsberger, M.D., past president of the American Association of Suicidology, practicing psychiatrist, and teacher at Harvard Medical School once wrote:

“There is no suffering greater than that which drives people to suicide; suicide defines the moment in which mental pain exceeds the human capacity to bear it. It represents the abandonment of hope.”

Be gentle with your grieving hearts

Do all the good you can

Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.

John Wesley 

I will see you again very soon

"I asked the leaf whether it was scared because it was autumn and the other leaves were falling. The leaf told me, “No. During the whole spring and summer I was very alive. I worked hard and helped nourish the tree, and much of me is in the tree. Please do not say that I am just this form, because the form of leaf is only a tiny part of me. I am the whole tree. I know that I am already inside the tree, and when I go back to the soil, I will continue to nourish the tree. That’s why I do not worry. As I leave this branch and float to the ground, I will wave to the tree and tell her, ‘I will see you again very soon.'"

~Thich Nhat Hanh

Ohio State Football Game vs Illinois

Rhonda, Chad and I attended the Ohio State vs Illinois football game while I was in Ohio.

OSU 42 Illinois 19

Evening Golf Cart Ride

Chloe and Charlotte took me for a golf cart ride around their neighborhood this evening. 48 degree weather was cold on the fingers and ears.

We passed a fountain with the moon in the background, had to have Charlotte circle around twice so we could stop and take a picture.

Hazel

Hazel is a very smart dog. She brings her toys to play tug while I am working. She is trying very hard to get the squeaker out even though it is broken. She chews on the same spot until she gets a whole in the covering.

12 Harsh Life Lessons From A Japanese Monk

Facebook link

1. If your mind feels heavy, remove one obligation instead of adding another habit.

You may not need more activities, goals, or responsibilities to improve your life. Sometimes, clarity comes from subtraction rather than addition. Remove what is unnecessary and make room for what truly matters.

2. When someone repeatedly disturbs your peace, distance can be a wise response.

Not every situation requires confrontation or explanation. Some boundaries are expressed through quiet distance. Protecting your peace does not mean abandoning compassion.

3. Much suffering comes from resisting what is already true.

Pain is a natural part of life, but fighting reality can create additional suffering. Acceptance does not mean approving everything that happens. It means seeing clearly and responding with greater wisdom.

4. A quiet morning can prepare your mind better than a busy day.

Stillness creates space for awareness before the world demands your attention. Begin your day without immediately rushing into noise, notifications, and obligations. A peaceful beginning can influence the way you respond to everything that follows.

5. When confused, slow down before making decisions.

Rushing can cause fear and uncertainty to guide your choices. Give yourself time to observe, reflect, and understand the situation. Wisdom does not always move quickly; it moves consciously.

6. Your anger may be pointing toward something you have not understood.

Anger can arise from unmet expectations, fear, hurt, or a sense of injustice. Instead of reacting immediately, investigate what is happening within you. Understanding your emotions can help you respond without causing unnecessary harm.

7. When your surroundings become chaotic, your mind may struggle to find clarity.

Your environment can influence your attention and emotional state. Organize your space, reduce unnecessary clutter, and simplify what surrounds you. External order cannot solve every inner problem, but it can create room for calm.

8. A daily walk may help your mind more than hours of overthinking.

Movement can offer a healthy break from repetitive thoughts. Step outside, breathe deeply, and allow yourself to experience the present moment. Sometimes, a simple change of surroundings helps you see a problem differently.

9. Discipline is not punishment; it is a form of freedom.

Discipline helps you act according to your values, even when motivation disappears. The small choices you make today can protect your future from unnecessary regret. A structured life can create more freedom, not less.

10. Learn to let go before attachment becomes your greatest burden.

Some things leave your life naturally, while others require a conscious decision. Holding on to what no longer serves you can deepen your pain. Release what you cannot change and make space for what life is offering now.

11. People reveal their character through time and consistent actions.

You do not need to form immediate conclusions about everyone. Observe how people behave when circumstances change and when they have nothing to gain. Patience allows patterns to become clearer than promises alone.

12. A simple life is not a small life; it can be a deeply meaningful one.

A meaningful life does not require constant achievement, endless possessions, or external recognition. Simplicity can reduce distractions and help you appreciate what is already present. Peace is not measured by how much you possess, but by how little you need to feel whole.

Life becomes lighter when you stop complicating what can be simplified. You do not need to respond to every problem immediately, carry every responsibility, or chase everything that demands your attention. Sometimes, the most powerful transformation begins with slowing down and removing what no longer belongs in your life.

Let go of unnecessary burdens. Slow down before reacting. Stay aware of what truly deserves your time, energy, and peace.

#Buddhism #LifeLessons #MindfulLiving 

Springs Valley Ohio to Silver Springs Florida

The beginning...

Our very first meeting was at the Schoolhouse Apartments in Spring Valley, Ohio.

Imagine the series of events it took to put us both here at the same time.
It all started when we were discussing my desire to join the Fire Department., you did not say anything but the next day an application was taped to my door. That single event set the course for the rest of our lives.

The engagement...

I proposed to you in July 1993 on the grounds of Hale Hospital near the reflecting pool.

The old hospital was to the left of the current Clinton Memorial Hospital.

I believe most of the property has been incorporated into hospital expansions.

In 1993 it was a large property that extended from Locus St to behind the hospital and close to the back side of the cemetery. Back then it was manicured lawns and flowers that were maintained by Dr, Hale and his wife. In \high school I worked for them mowing the property.

It was always a beautiful and clam place to visit. 

The Fire Department...

We spent 20 years volunteering with the Fire Department.
Fire Fighter, FF Level 1, EMT-B, EMT-I.

It was a family; two families that before we even met were fire fighters.

Jeni, Jim, Shery
Cory, Sam, Zach
Eric, Travis

Wilmington Fire Department at dad's funeral.

WFD unit 21.

The Ceremony...

The church where we became husband and wife.
The beginning of 31 wonderful years.

The Adventures...

The Great Smokey Mountains and Gatlinburg / Pigeon Forge TN

Your favorite place in the world.

During your chemo treatments we were blessed enough to visit in May of 2023.
With treatments and Sam's death you were having a difficult time.

You felt very accomplished when you climbed Andrews Bald. It was very difficult and while climbing up you commented that this would be the last time you would be able to make this Adventure.
You were beaming when you made it to the top.

You really enjoyed kayaking on the Silver and Ocklawaha rivers.
Probably your 2nd favorite place after the Great Smokey Mountains.
You were a beautiful, loving, caring, brave, and strong woman.
I am eternally grateful that you married me and made my life so great.

I love you and miss you

Chase, Chloe, & Charlotte

Chase, Chloe and Charlotte had a busy week.
I enjoyed attending all of their volleyball games.

Form Christy:
To say we have had a busy week is an understatement: St. Sue Festival, Mt. Noter Dame Volleyball games, St. Sue Volleyball games, Homecoming poster proposals for Chase & Mia, Ohio State Games, spirit week at MND, friends & family coming to watch games (sorry I didn’t get pics of everyone).

Charlotte's Volleyball Game

Sunday night volleyball game

Wilmington Cemetery

Visited the cemetery before heading back to Chad & Christy's after the Air Force Marathon.
I need to take some water and a brush to clean the stone the next time I am in Ohio

A promise kept

 

Troni Brothers Restaurant

After the US Air Force Marathon I went to dinner with Rick and Janese at Troni Brothers Italian restaurant in Xenia.While there I ran into Jeni's Aunt Pat, cousin Cindy Fevang and her husband Dave, Dave's mom, and cousin Jeni's cousin Gary from Indianapolis.

2026 US Air Force Marathon

I volunteered for the Air Force Marathon this year since I ended up being in Ohio.
I had a great time being back to using radios for public service. Something I miss living in Florida.

There is something about the early morning quiet.

DAR van, logistics control, and the XWARN trailer, medical control

Chimes

Gary called this afternoon.

The strings on Jeni's large Gregorian chime broke after all the storms.

I have been searching for a while for replacement parts. Looked at the chimes website. No information on parts. Messaged with their customer service, probably AI, and asked how I could get replacement parts, they/it replied with "Check our website for parts availability." No link, nothing except for search.

It does break my heart because I think this is the 3rd or 4th one in need of repair.
I hate to keep losing things that are Jeni's. I know Jeni is not in her stuff, but it is still painful as it was something Jeni loved. All of this even know that I will \probably end up in an apartment or condo where I will not be able to keep them anyway.

Gazebo Canopy

Two nights of storms and high winds were too much for the gazebo canopy. It was two years old anyway and was ready to be replaced. Jeni and I ordered the replacement cover a year ago and it is stored in the shed.

Charlotte's 2nd Volleyball Game

Chloe got to play in tonight's game. The won in 2 sets.

3D Printer

Chase has a 3D Printer in the basement.
He printed me a hard cover face protector for my Yaesu FT-891 radio and a desktop display of my call sign.

Chloe's Volleyball Game

 Went to Chloe's volleyball game this evening with Chad. Christy is the assistant coach.

Charlotte's Volleyball Game

Went to Chloe's volleyball game tonight.
They won in 2 sets.

Death lost it's threat

After I lost you, death lost its threat.

I am not rushing toward it.
I am not done here.

But I am not scared anymore.

Because the worst pain already found me.

Because the person I am waiting for is on the other side if it.

That changes things.

Living feels heavier.
Dying feels less unknown.

Love does that.
It rearranges your fear.

St. Suzanna Festival

Went to the St. Suzanna Festival with Chad, Christ, Chase, Chloe and Charlotte.
Had Goetta sliders that were very good. Goetta is German-inspired meat-and-grain breakfast sausage or mush that is a beloved regional staple in the Greater Cincinnati.

Christy worked at the beer stand, Chloe and Charlotte worked at the candy booth while Chad & Chase worked at the Goetta stand.

Trip to Ohio

Flying from Sanford to Cincinnati for 2 weeks.

Celebrating America paint theme

Planned to eat here before the flight all week. No flights out of Terminal B so the restaurant was not open. May have to stop at their downtown restaurant on the way home, 

'

With the sun to the west, I watched this sun spot for quite a while. I know it is only the sun rays going through the clouds but it made me think Jeni was watching over me.

 

Nice view from the window

At 61 years old, this is the 1st time I have had a drink on a flight.

Flight to Ohio

Packing the last few items for my trip to Ohio. Will be staying with Chad & Christy for 2 weeks.

Next Saturday is the Dayton Air Force Marathon and the next Saturday Chad has tickets to see Ohio State vs Kent State.

In between there is the St. Suzanna festival, multiple volleyball games for Chloe and Charlotte.

Chase has his homecoming football game and then the homecoming dance.

Sounds like a packed 2 weeks.

I make these plans, and I as it gets closer to time to go, the less I want to go.

Not just to Ohio, it was the same when I went to Daytona Beach a few weeks ago. It makes me very anxious.

9:30 and basically ready to go.
Just need to turn off the water, lock the cabinets, and take the trash out. I do not need to be at the airport until 2:45. Sitting here with nothing to really do. Those times are the worst emotionally.

I have already taken my anxiety medicine, had 1 for breakfast. Packing them in my personal item for the flight so that I can get them if needed.

Peanuts Bowl

Somehow one of Jeni's Peanuts bowls somehow cracked in the cabinet. Not sure if I was moving things around and it got squeezed between something. A set of 3 is now a sett of 2.

I will miss you forever

I'm sorry I cry all the time, I'm sorry I have a hard time laughing or smiling, I'm sorry cause you made me so happy and I know you wouldn't want me to be this sad.

Please know my sweet love I am trying. But it's so hard without you here, I miss my best friend the one who was my other half. I miss how complete I felt with you. I miss the future we should have had.

I miss everything, I love you...

I will miss you forever...