Till death do us part

 

Trip to Ohio

Flying from Sanford to Cincinnati for 2 weeks.

Celebrating America paint theme

Planned to eat here before the flight all week. No flights out of Terminal B so the restaurant was not open. May have to stop at their downtown restaurant on the way home, 

'

With the sun to the west, I watched this sun spot for quite a while. I know it is only the sun rays going through the clouds but it made me think Jeni was watching over me.

 

Nice view from the window

At 61 years old, this is the 1st time I have had a drink on a flight.

Peanuts Bowl

Somehow one of Jeni's Peanuts bowls somehow cracked in the cabinet. Not sure if I was moving things around and it got squeezed between something. A set of 3 is now a sett of 2.

I will miss you forever

I'm sorry I cry all the time, I'm sorry I have a hard time laughing or smiling, I'm sorry cause you made me so happy and I know you wouldn't want me to be this sad.

Please know my sweet love I am trying. But it's so hard without you here, I miss my best friend the one who was my other half. I miss how complete I felt with you. I miss the future we should have had.

I miss everything, I love you...

I will miss you forever...

Wood Carvings

Found two wood carved items in the center console of Jeni's car today.
The one that looks like an Owl has Buddy Overby's initials on it, the other one I am not sure about.

Silver Springs State Park

Was really missing you today and yesterday.
Wish you could be here to walk around the  park with me.
I took a walk around Silver Springs State Park.

Flowers

Saw these at the store today
Made me think of you

I hope you are looking down from heaven and can see their beauty

SeaSide Bistro & Bar

At the Holiday Inn nextdoor

BBQ Chicken flatbread 

Passion Fruit Martini 

The Martini was strong

This was the first sit down restaurant that I went to by myself. I have been avoiding this. I made it through it, I think the ocean helped with the sound of the waves in the background. The outdoor part of the restaurant was pretty empty, only 2 other couples.

Empty Chairs

8 months ago tomorrow we were at Daytona Beach celebrating Christmas.

It is so lonely now.

Checks

Down to the last couple of checks. I do not really write a lot of checks anymore but I guess I need to get more of them.

It makes me sad because they will no longer have your name on them since your name was taken off the accounts.

Maybe I will keep the ones with you name on them and go ahead and use the new ones.

Kayak Silver River

A Quiet Farewell on the Water

Monday, August 17th was a scorcher—90 degrees by noon, but a beautiful day to be out on the river.

I was there to bring some of Jeni’s ashes to her favorite places along the water. In the end, I chose three spots. The second was the “Gnome of the River,” a place we always used to stop at together. My personal favorite was the third: a calm, tree-lined bend in the river just before the Silver and Ocala and Oklawaha rivers merge. As you round that curve, a serene view opens up ahead—a place that has always felt peaceful.

Shortly after leaving the third spot, a young manatee with a completely pristine body—no scar marks at all—swam upstream right between Gary and me. I turned my kayak around to get a better look, and to my surprise, the manatee turned around too.

It swam in a circle around my kayak, moved up along the right side, and lingered underwater, gazing up at me. Then, it raised its nose and face above the water’s surface, staring right at me for several moments. I spoke quietly to it as it watched. After a minute, it dipped back under, circled my kayak one more time, and then calmly continued its journey upstream.

In all the years Jeni and I paddled these waters, I had never had a manatee pay attention to me or interact with me like that. Neither Gary nor I thought to grab a camera for a photo or video—we were too busy just being present and absorbing the moment.

Gary turned to me afterward and said he believed it was a message from Jeni, I believe she was thanking us for returning her forever to her favorite place in Florida.

A Message for You

A Message for You, If I Leave Before You

If one day my journey ends before yours, I hope you never believe that I wanted to leave you.

If love alone could have kept me here, I would have stayed beside you until our hair turned completely white, until our hands could no longer hold each other, and until our last breath became one.

Leaving you would be the hardest goodbye my soul would ever know.

I know there will be mornings when you'll wake up reaching for my hand, only to find an empty space beside you.

There will be evenings when you'll hear the silence where my laughter used to live.

You'll set two cups on the table without thinking... then quietly put one away.

And in those moments, I hope you remember this...

My body may be gone, but my love never left.

Please don't spend the rest of your life asking why I had to go.

Instead, thank God that, among billions of people in this world, we found each other.

Because loving you was the greatest miracle my life was ever given.

When the loneliness becomes too heavy, close your eyes.

Imagine me smiling at you the way I always did.

Imagine me whispering the words I never grew tired of saying...

"I love you. I always will."

If your tears fall, let them.

Every tear is a page from the beautiful story we wrote together.

But don't let your tears become the end of our story.

Live.

Smile.

Love our family.

Carry my love with you until your own journey is complete.

And when your time finally comes, don't be afraid.

I'll be waiting where time no longer steals the people we love.

I'll recognize your footsteps before I see your face.

I'll take your trembling hands into mine once more.

And after all the years we spent missing each other...

I'll hold you so tightly that neither heaven nor eternity will ever separate us again

20 things you now have to do by yourself...

1. Sleep on your side of the bed while staring at an empty space.
2. Open bills, cancel subscriptions, and close joint accounts by yourself.
3. Go to a grocery store or restaurant alone for the very first time.
4. Make major life or financial decisions without a sounding board.
5. Cry in the car in absolute silence because you have no energy left to speak.
6. Clean out their personal clothes, shoes, and toothbrush.
7. Answer the dreaded question, "How are you doing?» with a fake smile."
8. Attend weddings, family dinners, or social events entirely by yourself.
9. Handle a sudden household emergency at 2:00 AM with no one to wake up.
10. Hear a song, see a meme, or cook a meal they loved with nowhere to send it.
11. Face the milestone holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries in an empty house.
12. Learn to sit with your own thoughts when the distractions finally fade.
13. Accept that some friends will slowly disappear because they don’t know how to handle your pain.
14. Throw away expired items or food they specifically bought before they passed.
15. Decide who gets to keep the mutual friends and how those social circles function now.
16. Stop apologizing to yourself for having a good day or catching a moment of peace.
17. Learn how to cook, travel, or fix things you always outsourced to them.
18. Change your emergency contact on official medical and legal documents to someone else.
19. Tolerate well-meaning people giving you terrible, toxic advice on how to «move on.
20. Wake up every single morning and consciously choose to keep breathing anyway.

One Day

One day, you'll take a photo that becomes the last photo you ever take with someone.

It won't feel like a last. It won't be staged or planned. You'll smile, maybe laugh, and go on with your day.

And only later, days, months, or years later, you'll look back at it and realize... this was it.

The last time you stood side by side. The last time you hugged. The last time they were here. They can be gone at any moment, and that photo might be all you have left.

If you lost them tomorrow, would you have anything to remember them by?

So take the photos. Even when your hair's a mess. Even when you don't feel "photo ready." Because one day, it won't matter how you looked, only that you were there.

Don't Be Sad If I Go First

Don't be sad if one day I go first. Because the most beautiful part of my life is over when I have you.

I know, loss will be painful. Our house, which used to be full of noise, may feel quieter. The chair where I usually sit will look empty. And your nights may be filled with longing that you don't know where to go home to.

But listen to me...

Don't let my departure rob you of your happiness too. Remember me not from the day I left, but from all the days when I loved you truly. From the way we survive together, from the small laughter that is born in the midst of a life that is not always easy, and from our hands that keep holding each other even when the world feels tiring.

If your tears fall, let it be proof that we once loved each other that deeply. But after that, smile slowly... because I go with a calm heart, Because being loved by someone like you is the greatest gift in my life.

When Husband And Wife Grow Old Together

One day, after growing old side by side, one of you will wake up for the last time...

And the other will wake up to a world that suddenly feels far too quiet.

The one who remains will still reach across the bed before opening their eyes...

Only to touch an empty pillow that has already gone cold.

For a moment, they'll forget.

Then the memory will return...

And their heart will break all over again.

Your slippers may still be by the door.

Your favorite sweater may still carry your scent.

Your glasses may still rest on the bedside table, exactly where you left them.

No one will have the courage to move them.

Because moving them feels too much like admitting you're never coming home again.

The hardest part isn't the funeral.

It isn't the flowers.

It isn't the people who come to say, "I'm sorry for your loss."

The hardest part begins after everyone leaves...

When the house becomes unbearably silent.

When dinner is made for one.

When there is no one to ask, "How was your day?"

When every beautiful memory becomes another reason to cry.

Years of loving someone cannot be packed away in a closet.

You don't stop looking for them in the crowd.

You don't stop hearing their laughter in your mind.

You don't stop wishing they could walk through the front door just one more time.

In the end, you won't remember the little things that once seemed so important.

You'll remember the nights you fell asleep holding hands.

The quiet prayers you whispered together.

The wrinkles you both earned while building a lifetime of love.

You'll remember that growing old together was never something ordinary...

It was the greatest blessing you were ever given.

So love each other while you still can.

Be patient.

Forgive quickly.

Hold each other a little longer before letting go.

Say, "I love you," every chance you get.

Don't cry if I leave before you do

When my side of the bed is empty...

when my favorite chair is no longer occupied...
and the sound of my laughter exists only in your memories...

Please, don't let the last day we shared become the story you remember most.

Instead, remember the life we were blessed to live together.

Remember the first time I held your hand...
the day we promised to love each other through every season of life...
the nights we stayed awake talking about our dreams...
the mornings we greeted with grateful hearts...
and the countless ordinary days that became the greatest treasures of our lives.

One day, those little moments will be worth more than anything we ever owned.
I know there will be mornings when you'll instinctively reach for my hand...
Only to remember that I'm no longer there.

There will be days when you'll want to tell me something...
Then fall silent, because my voice can no longer answer.

And there will be nights when one beautiful memory makes you smile...
Before the next one quietly brings tears to your eyes.

But if that happens...
Don't cry because our story ended.

Cry only because we were blessed enough to live a love so beautiful that its memories will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Because even if death separates our hands...
It will never separate the love that filled every chapter of our life together.

And when your own journey is finally over...
I pray the first thing you see is me...
Waiting with the same smile that once made you feel at home.

Firehouse - Love of a Lifetime

Firehouse
Love of a Lifetime

I guess the time was right for us to say
We'd take our time and live our lives together day by day
We'll make a wish and send it on a prayer
We know our dreams can all come true with love that we can share

With you I never wonder
Will you be there for me?
With you I never wonder
You're the right one for me

I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart, I finally found the love of a lifetime

I finally found the love of a lifetime
With every kiss, our love is like brand-new
And every star up in the sky was made for me and you
Still we both know that the road is long
We know that we will be together
Because our love is strong

I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart, I finally found the love of a lifetime

Ooh
I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart, I finally found the love of a lifetime

(Finally found the love of a lifetime)
Love of a lifetime
(Finally found the love of a lifetime)
I finally found the love
(Finally found the love of a lifetime)

Oh, forever in my heart, I finally found the love of a lifetime

Rainbow

 Very large and bright rainbow to the east at 8:10 PM.

When I see a rainbow, I think of you.

Love you and miss you.

Grief One Day at a Time

JULY 17

"But here I am in July, and why am I thinking about Christmas pudding? Probably because we always pine for what we do not have. The winter seems cozy and romantic in the hell of summer, but hot beaches and sunlight are what we yearn for all winter"

Joanna Franklin Bell

That about sums up our grief: We are pining for what we do not have. Yet when we had our special people with us, we did not always appreciate the moments we shared.

Such is human nature. It's all but impossible to constantly live in appreciation of the now. We're equipped with minds that remember as well as project into the future. Through our imagination, we travel through time and space at the drop of a hat. This is both a gift and a curse.

But maintaining a mindful presence is something we can work on. The more skilled at it we become the more we are likely to appreciate the rest of our days. We will always remember (thank goodness) and worry about what is to come, but we can also become more adept at inhabiting the now.

I am pining for what I do not have - you.

I am working on appreciating what I do have right now. 

From the book

Grief One Day at a Time

365 Meditations to help you heal after loss

by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH. D.