Empty Chairs

 8 months ago tomorrow we were at Daytona Beach celebrating Christmas.

It is so lonely now.

Beach Sunrise

 Beautiful sunrise this morning

R&L Carriers Ambassador Suites

 Spending the week working from Daytona Beach.

I was able to get the bike into the back of Jeni's Honda so that I can store it out of the rain and secure it over night. The GoPro camera was not charged so I was unable to capture any video. Charging it now so if the weather is good after work tomorrow I can try again.

It was difficult to pack this morning and drive over here without Jeni. This is my first trip to the beach without her. An anxiety pill helped. Once I got checked into the room I felt a little better.

The hotel and beach are not very crowded. School is back in session so that probably helps a lot. Hopefully it will be a quiet week.

The view from the balcony

Room 308, corner room

     

 

Checks

 Down to the last couple of checks. I do not really write a lot of checks anymore but I guess I need to get more of them.

It makes me sad because they will no longer have your name on them since your name was taken off the accounts.

Maybe I will keep the ones with you name on them and go ahead and use the new ones.

Kayak Silver River

 A very hot day to go kayaking, 90 by noon.

I had taken some of Jeni's ashes to put in her favorite spot on the river and some at my spot. Ended up deciding on three places.

Shortly after the 3rd spot a young manatee with no scars swam between Gary and I heading up stream. I turned my kayak around to get a better look.

 The manatee turned around and came back. Swam around my kayak then came around the right side and stared at me from underwater for a bit, then it raised it's nose and face our of the water and stared at me some more.

I spoke to it, it shook it's head and went back under water to continue headed upstream. I have never had one turn around and pay attention to me.

Gary decided it was a message from Jeni for joining her forever to her favorite spot in Ocala Florida.

A Message for You

 A Message for You, If I Leave Before You

If one day my journey ends before yours, I hope you never believe that I wanted to leave you.

If love alone could have kept me here, I would have stayed beside you until our hair turned completely white, until our hands could no longer hold each other, and until our last breath became one.

Leaving you would be the hardest goodbye my soul would ever know.

I know there will be mornings when you'll wake up reaching for my hand, only to find an empty space beside you.

There will be evenings when you'll hear the silence where my laughter used to live.

You'll set two cups on the table without thinking... then quietly put one away.

And in those moments, I hope you remember this...

My body may be gone, but my love never left.

Please don't spend the rest of your life asking why I had to go.

Instead, thank God that, among billions of people in this world, we found each other.

Because loving you was the greatest miracle my life was ever given.

When the loneliness becomes too heavy, close your eyes.

Imagine me smiling at you the way I always did.

Imagine me whispering the words I never grew tired of saying...

"I love you. I always will."

If your tears fall, let them.

Every tear is a page from the beautiful story we wrote together.

But don't let your tears become the end of our story.

Live.

Smile.

Love our family.

Carry my love with you until your own journey is complete.

And when your time finally comes, don't be afraid.

I'll be waiting where time no longer steals the people we love.

I'll recognize your footsteps before I see your face.

I'll take your trembling hands into mine once more.

And after all the years we spent missing each other...

I'll hold you so tightly that neither heaven nor eternity will ever separate us again

20 things you now have to do by yourself...

 1. Sleep on your side of the bed while staring at an empty space.
2. Open bills, cancel subscriptions, and close joint accounts by yourself.
3. Go to a grocery store or restaurant alone for the very first time.
4. Make major life or financial decisions without a sounding board.
5. Cry in the car in absolute silence because you have no energy left to speak.
6. Clean out their personal clothes, shoes, and toothbrush.
7. Answer the dreaded question, "How are you doing?» with a fake smile."
8. Attend weddings, family dinners, or social events entirely by yourself.
9. Handle a sudden household emergency at 2:00 AM with no one to wake up.
10. Hear a song, see a meme, or cook a meal they loved with nowhere to send it.
11. Face the milestone holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries in an empty house.
12. Learn to sit with your own thoughts when the distractions finally fade.
13. Accept that some friends will slowly disappear because they don’t know how to handle your pain.
14. Throw away expired items or food they specifically bought before they passed.
15. Decide who gets to keep the mutual friends and how those social circles function now.
16. Stop apologizing to yourself for having a good day or catching a moment of peace.
17. Learn how to cook, travel, or fix things you always outsourced to them.
18. Change your emergency contact on official medical and legal documents to someone else.
19. Tolerate well-meaning people giving you terrible, toxic advice on how to «move on.
20. Wake up every single morning and consciously choose to keep breathing anyway.

One Day

One day, you'll take a photo that becomes the last photo you ever take with someone.

It won't feel like a last. It won't be staged or planned. You'll smile, maybe laugh, and go on with your day.

And only later, days, months, or years later, you'll look back at it and realize... this was it.

The last time you stood side by side. The last time you hugged. The last time they were here. They can be gone at any moment, and that photo might be all you have left.

If you lost them tomorrow, would you have anything to remember them by?

So take the photos. Even when your hair's a mess. Even when you don't feel "photo ready." Because one day, it won't matter how you looked, only that you were there.

DON'T BE SAD IF I GO FIRST

Don't be sad if one day I go first. Because the most beautiful part of my life is over when I have you.

I know, loss will be painful. Our house, which used to be full of noise, may feel quieter. The chair where I usually sit will look empty. And your nights may be filled with longing that you don't know where to go home to.

But listen to me...

Don't let my departure rob you of your happiness too. Remember me not from the day I left, but from all the days when I loved you truly. From the way we survive together, from the small laughter that is born in the midst of a life that is not always easy, and from our hands that keep holding each other even when the world feels tiring.

If your tears fall, let it be proof that we once loved each other that deeply. But after that, smile slowly... because I go with a calm heart, Because being loved by someone like you is the greatest gift in my life.

When Husband And Wife Grow Old Together

One day, after growing old side by side, one of you will wake up for the last time...

And the other will wake up to a world that suddenly feels far too quiet.

The one who remains will still reach across the bed before opening their eyes...

Only to touch an empty pillow that has already gone cold.

For a moment, they'll forget.

Then the memory will return...

And their heart will break all over again.

Your slippers may still be by the door.

Your favorite sweater may still carry your scent.

Your glasses may still rest on the bedside table, exactly where you left them.

No one will have the courage to move them.

Because moving them feels too much like admitting you're never coming home again.

The hardest part isn't the funeral.

It isn't the flowers.

It isn't the people who come to say, "I'm sorry for your loss."

The hardest part begins after everyone leaves...

When the house becomes unbearably silent.

When dinner is made for one.

When there is no one to ask, "How was your day?"

When every beautiful memory becomes another reason to cry.

Years of loving someone cannot be packed away in a closet.

You don't stop looking for them in the crowd.

You don't stop hearing their laughter in your mind.

You don't stop wishing they could walk through the front door just one more time.

In the end, you won't remember the little things that once seemed so important.

You'll remember the nights you fell asleep holding hands.

The quiet prayers you whispered together.

The wrinkles you both earned while building a lifetime of love.

You'll remember that growing old together was never something ordinary...

It was the greatest blessing you were ever given.

So love each other while you still can.

Be patient.

Forgive quickly.

Hold each other a little longer before letting go.

Say, "I love you," every chance you get.