20 things you now have to do by yourself...

 1. Sleep on your side of the bed while staring at an empty space.
2. Open bills, cancel subscriptions, and close joint accounts by yourself.
3. Go to a grocery store or restaurant alone for the very first time.
4. Make major life or financial decisions without a sounding board.
5. Cry in the car in absolute silence because you have no energy left to speak.
6. Clean out their personal clothes, shoes, and toothbrush.
7. Answer the dreaded question, "How are you doing?» with a fake smile."
8. Attend weddings, family dinners, or social events entirely by yourself.
9. Handle a sudden household emergency at 2:00 AM with no one to wake up.
10. Hear a song, see a meme, or cook a meal they loved with nowhere to send it.
11. Face the milestone holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries in an empty house.
12. Learn to sit with your own thoughts when the distractions finally fade.
13. Accept that some friends will slowly disappear because they don’t know how to handle your pain.
14. Throw away expired items or food they specifically bought before they passed.
15. Decide who gets to keep the mutual friends and how those social circles function now.
16. Stop apologizing to yourself for having a good day or catching a moment of peace.
17. Learn how to cook, travel, or fix things you always outsourced to them.
18. Change your emergency contact on official medical and legal documents to someone else.
19. Tolerate well-meaning people giving you terrible, toxic advice on how to «move on.
20. Wake up every single morning and consciously choose to keep breathing anyway.

One Day

One day, you'll take a photo that becomes the last photo you ever take with someone.

It won't feel like a last. It won't be staged or planned. You'll smile, maybe laugh, and go on with your day.

And only later, days, months, or years later, you'll look back at it and realize... this was it.

The last time you stood side by side. The last time you hugged. The last time they were here. They can be gone at any moment, and that photo might be all you have left.

If you lost them tomorrow, would you have anything to remember them by?

So take the photos. Even when your hair's a mess. Even when you don't feel "photo ready." Because one day, it won't matter how you looked, only that you were there.

DON'T BE SAD IF I GO FIRST

Don't be sad if one day I go first. Because the most beautiful part of my life is over when I have you.

I know, loss will be painful. Our house, which used to be full of noise, may feel quieter. The chair where I usually sit will look empty. And your nights may be filled with longing that you don't know where to go home to.

But listen to me...

Don't let my departure rob you of your happiness too. Remember me not from the day I left, but from all the days when I loved you truly. From the way we survive together, from the small laughter that is born in the midst of a life that is not always easy, and from our hands that keep holding each other even when the world feels tiring.

If your tears fall, let it be proof that we once loved each other that deeply. But after that, smile slowly... because I go with a calm heart, Because being loved by someone like you is the greatest gift in my life.

When Husband And Wife Grow Old Together

One day, after growing old side by side, one of you will wake up for the last time...

And the other will wake up to a world that suddenly feels far too quiet.

The one who remains will still reach across the bed before opening their eyes...

Only to touch an empty pillow that has already gone cold.

For a moment, they'll forget.

Then the memory will return...

And their heart will break all over again.

Your slippers may still be by the door.

Your favorite sweater may still carry your scent.

Your glasses may still rest on the bedside table, exactly where you left them.

No one will have the courage to move them.

Because moving them feels too much like admitting you're never coming home again.

The hardest part isn't the funeral.

It isn't the flowers.

It isn't the people who come to say, "I'm sorry for your loss."

The hardest part begins after everyone leaves...

When the house becomes unbearably silent.

When dinner is made for one.

When there is no one to ask, "How was your day?"

When every beautiful memory becomes another reason to cry.

Years of loving someone cannot be packed away in a closet.

You don't stop looking for them in the crowd.

You don't stop hearing their laughter in your mind.

You don't stop wishing they could walk through the front door just one more time.

In the end, you won't remember the little things that once seemed so important.

You'll remember the nights you fell asleep holding hands.

The quiet prayers you whispered together.

The wrinkles you both earned while building a lifetime of love.

You'll remember that growing old together was never something ordinary...

It was the greatest blessing you were ever given.

So love each other while you still can.

Be patient.

Forgive quickly.

Hold each other a little longer before letting go.

Say, "I love you," every chance you get.

Don't cry if I leave before you do

When my side of the bed is empty...

when my favorite chair is no longer occupied...
and the sound of my laughter exists only in your memories...

Please, don't let the last day we shared become the story you remember most.

Instead, remember the life we were blessed to live together.

Remember the first time I held your hand...
the day we promised to love each other through every season of life...
the nights we stayed awake talking about our dreams...
the mornings we greeted with grateful hearts...
and the countless ordinary days that became the greatest treasures of our lives.

One day, those little moments will be worth more than anything we ever owned.
I know there will be mornings when you'll instinctively reach for my hand...
Only to remember that I'm no longer there.

There will be days when you'll want to tell me something...
Then fall silent, because my voice can no longer answer.

And there will be nights when one beautiful memory makes you smile...
Before the next one quietly brings tears to your eyes.

But if that happens...
Don't cry because our story ended.

Cry only because we were blessed enough to live a love so beautiful that its memories will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Because even if death separates our hands...
It will never separate the love that filled every chapter of our life together.

And when your own journey is finally over...
I pray the first thing you see is me...
Waiting with the same smile that once made you feel at home.

Firehouse - Love of a Lifetime

Firehouse
Love of a Lifetime

I guess the time was right for us to say
We'd take our time and live our lives together day by day
We'll make a wish and send it on a prayer
We know our dreams can all come true with love that we can share

With you I never wonder
Will you be there for me?
With you I never wonder
You're the right one for me

I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart, I finally found the love of a lifetime

I finally found the love of a lifetime
With every kiss, our love is like brand-new
And every star up in the sky was made for me and you
Still we both know that the road is long
We know that we will be together
Because our love is strong

I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart, I finally found the love of a lifetime

Ooh
I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart, I finally found the love of a lifetime

(Finally found the love of a lifetime)
Love of a lifetime
(Finally found the love of a lifetime)
I finally found the love
(Finally found the love of a lifetime)

Oh, forever in my heart, I finally found the love of a lifetime

Kayak Silver River

 

Rainbow

 Very large and bright rainbow to the east at 8:10 PM.

When I see a rainbow, I think of you.

Love you and miss you.

Stripe

 RIP Stripe

I am endlessly grateful for the 19 years we shared. Rest gently now, my sweet girl. Run pain-free and young again in the sunlit meadows, look for Jeni who will be waiting for you, then it’s time to cross the Rainbow Bridge together.

You were always our nurse cat, anyone who was sick or recovering, you would be on their lap. From Jeni's original cancer surgery to my heart attack and burn, you were always there.

We trained you to walk on a leash and you would let us know when you wanted to go for a walk. You enjoyed riding in the golf cart, not on our lap, you had to have your own seat in the middle. If we stopped to talk too long, you would get out and head for home.

You trained us to feed you on request and to come stir your food when it was stuck around the edges of the bowl. You knocked on the door to be let out, you knocked on the door to be let in. You were head strong and knew what you wanted.

A year of diabetes shots twice a day, then you got over it. A year break then you had to have shots again for hypothyroidism. You experienced a lot in 19 years.

I will miss you.

Heart Attack

11 years ago, today at 9:50 AM I was sitting at my desk in the R+L Carriers Technology Center in Wilmington Ohio when I suddenly broke into a full body sweat. Time was like slow motion. I can remember thinking, why am I sweating, the sun was on the other side of the building and not to my window yet, I was not physically doing anything strenuous. I was puzzled. 

Then the chest pain hit. As an EMT we were always trained to ask, "Do you feel an impending sense of doom?" and I never quite understood that. But a heart attack must trigger something in your brain that really does make you feel like you are going to die. It is a disturbing feeling. You really get the feeling that you are about to die.

As an EMT I also recognized that it would be hours before I would be able to go to the bathroom and I had 2-3 cups of coffee that morning. I got out of my chair and headed for the bathroom. I could not make it that far. I made it to Tom Gibbons' office and asked him to call 911 that I was having a heart attack, The office next to his was vacant so I went in there and laid on the desk. I knew it would be a while now before I would see the bathroom.

After calling 911, I had him call Jeni but knew she was at work and would probably not have her phone. I also asked him to call mom, and she would know how to get a hold of Jeni. Both mom from Wilmington and Jeni from Xenia beat me to the hospital.

Since the office was at interstate 71 and 68 it is served by the Port William Volunteer Fire Department, and it took a while for them to go to the station and get the squad to respond. Since it was a cardiac call, Dispatch also sent a paramedic from Wilmington. The paramedic arrived first. He knew of my dad even though it had been a while since he had retired from the fire department.

The next to arrive was the Port William fire chief. Ron Stryker, I graduated high school with him. We discussed high school things and fire and EMS things.

Eventually the life squad arrived and placed me on the monitor. Paramedic conformed that I was having a heart attack, so they loaded me up and headed for Clinton Memorial Hospital. Most considered it a first aid station.

At the edge of Wilmington, 2 blocks from mom & dad's house on spring street, I told him the pain had stopped, they pulled over so he could run another strip on the monitor and confirmed that I was no longer having an active heart attack. We then continued to the hospital.

Mom & Jeni were standing outside the ER squad entrance when we arrived. I gave them a thumbs up as I was wheeled inside. I was at Clinton Memorial for maybe ten minutes. While moving from the squad cot over to the hospital bed, they took my clothes, give me some baby aspirin, and a handful, maybe 9, Plavix. Took a few vitals and my insurance information so they could bill me for ten minutes. I was then moved to another cot and taken out to an ICU transport squad. 

The ICU Squad made good time getting to Christ Hospital in northern Cincinnati. I was wheeled into the hospital; they took a left turn down a hallway with windows along the left side. Went right into an OR and moved me to their bed. The nurse said she would be with me the entire time and they would briefly put me to sleep to get the procedure stated by inserting a large bore iv in my left groin, then I would wake up and could watch the surgery on a monitor over my bed.

I remember counting down from 100 and maybe got to 97. When I woke up a few minutes later, I saw an image of my heart on the monitor and could see the tools and manipulations the doctors were doing. I did not feel any of it, it was kind of surreal. I did have a "garden hose sized" hole in my right leg, in the groin area, that they would use to make entry to the heart for the procedure. Sounds like a long path to get to the heart. At some point my nose itched, I looked for the nurse who said she would be with me, nada, not here. She did show up closer to the end of the procedure, so I had to kid her about my nose itching and she was absent. At that point my nose no longer itched.

After the surgery I was taken to a recovery room and was introduced to the two nurses that would be with me in recovery. A male nurse and a young, maybe 20-year-old of woman. Because of the size of the opening in my vein, they needed to keep strong pressure on it so that it could close and not spring a very large leak.

Of course, it would be the female nurse who was the one to hold pressure, on my groin, for several hours. Me, only wearing a washcloth over the important parts. So, we laughed about it and talked about everyday things, nurse stuff, EMT stuff. After the prescribed amount of time they can change over to a mechanical device that will keep the pressure on the vein. Not sure if that was one or two hours later.

After releasing the female nurse to go hold pressure on someone else's groin I was finally able to get the male nurse to lower the feet and raise the head of the bed to the point that he could hold the urine bottle to me so that I was finally able to go to the bathroom. Remember back to 10:00 AM when I knew if I did not get to the bathroom then, it would be a while. Well, awhile is 3:30 PM. Stayed in the hospital the next day to recover then was sent home.

After deciding that we need to change our diet and lifestyle we ventured out to a bookstore in search of a heart healthy cookbook. We went to The Green in Beavercreek. The bookstore was on a corner intersection with the parking lot across the street. Jeni offered to drop me off at the door, I thought she was joking and I said no, go ahead and park, I can walk across the street. Well, I was not capable. I made it from the parking lot to a bench at the corner by the crosswalk, on the parking lot side of the street.  After resting for several minutes, I was able to cross the street and make it into the bookstore.  At that point we found a chair at a table and Jeni would bring the cookbooks to me to look at. We decided on purchasing two or three that looked like that had recipes that we would eat. I sat while Jeni checked out, then we walked across the street, back to the bench. At this point I allowed Jeni to go get the car and bring it to me.

It is surprising how much a surgery on your heart impacts your stamina and breathing capacity. After several weeks at home recovering where I started walking every day, small steps at first, while we also started eating healthier. I think it was 6 weeks before I could return to work. There was an insurance delay in getting into physical therapy, so it ended up going till the end of December. That started my walking habit that eventually turned into jogging. That then led to numerous 5Ks, 10Ks, 15k and a couple of half marathons. Jeni and I did several of the 5ks together.

Years later in October of 2016, I got a tattoo, on my right fore arm It contains my actual heart rhythm I had the squad print for me. The words live every beat are placed between the heart beats.

I am writing this now since other than me, the only two other people who know the story, mom and Jeni, have both passed. Maybe someone will read this someday and get a laugh out it like I did.